I Asked For Strength, GOD, GAVE ME A CHICKEN!

Be very careful what you pray for, God has a wicked sense of humor!

The day before my 53rd birthday, I had two hours out of my house, so I took a cab to a restaurant and paid him to wait while I ordered to go. I ordered Lobster and Red shrimp grilled with asparagus, 3 deserts  (chocolate cake for me, mom, and the volunteer) and while waiting I ordered a Cadillac Margarita! My first margarita in nearly five years. I enjoyed every drop!

Going on my second year of taking care of mom, having finally gotten my son and his wife to put the car in their name so I am not responsible for something I no longer have and finally wining my battle with medi-cal and finally getting my social security back. I was starting to hope that 2017 was going to be a better year, but received a letter from the DMV that I needed to come in for a eye test before my license expired on 3-9-17 (why do I need a eye exam for a California ID?)

My volunteer had to find someone to babysit mom, make a appointment with the DMV, and take me there since I have panic attacks around large crowds. Couldn’t be done before my birthday so ordering the margarita was a very big deal to me!

Before leaving the volunteer prayed with my mom and I over heard them praying for extra strength and endurance for me to continue taking care of mom and myself and the animals. I didn’t think anything about it, sounded like a great idea to me!

I woke up the morning of my birthday, started coffee and my chores like any normal day. I put the dogs outback like I always do and started my laundry, when I heard a commotion of dogs going berserk and a noise I hadn’t heard since childhood, so I bolted out the door. God have mercy! The dogs had a chicken cornered in the carport!

Neither dog would listen to commands and I didn’t want a dead chicken so I turned on the hose to separate the animals. A hour of chasing the dogs I got them in the house and dried off. My neighbor came over to help catch the chicken, but she was so small and stayed just beyond reach. She had no bands and the neighborhood is full of hidden coops. My neighbor would keep me informed if anyone is asking about a missing chicken. So with heart pounding I went back inside to check on mom and the dogs. 

Over the next few weeks I have;

1. run up and down the back steps

2. Tried to train pumpkin pie to not chase the chicken  (she smells the chicken and goes into a trance of kill the chicken mode!)

3. Tried all kinds of leashes and harnesses and realized pumpkin pie is Houdini reincarnated!

4. Rearranged my whole life around a chicken I named Luk Luk! (L=lucky, U =unlucky, K =killing me)

5. Neither dog was going to go to the bathroom as long as the chicken was on the ground. So I waited until the chicken roasted on top of my punching bag in the carport each night to let the dogs outside to go and now wake up before the sun to let them outside, that seems to work and we have become vampires!

6. Mom and I now have a common ground for conversation each day. 

7. Tiara listens well and can go outside with me during the night just like she used to during the day, but pumpkin pie knows that somewhere in all the junk in the carport is a living squeak toy! (More like a one time only speak toy!) But can only be let out while supervised and for limited time. 

8. On the bright side I don’t have to worry about the bee’s stinging me at night, with all the citrus trees and flowers blooming it was scary going outside during the day. 

9. Two weeks in and the burning of muscles and crying myself to sleep has lessened somewhat. 

10. My heart still pounds hard, but it’s no longer choking me to catch my breath. 

11. Luk Luk, eats her weight in bugs daily, less spiders and snails, she can stay as long as she wants!

12. Gardener’s now know that I have a chicken and say she brings good luck. 

So, the way we tell the story around here is, we prayed for strength and God gave us a chicken!

She still stays just outside of reach but comes up to talk to me daily and doesn’t believe that my toes are not worms!

I’m even loosing some weight from chasing the dogs and cats to protect my little bug eater!

Be Fierce!

And this is exactly what I have been busy doing!

I gave my Facebook friends and family notice that I will block them if all they post was negative stuff about our President. And the next day I did it, let go of many high school friends and cousins, and at first it was strange but now my life has become calm and peaceful and I find that I like mornings once again. 

Next will be the women’s rights postings, I’m all for equality, but don’t bitch about it when you get it! These people should be careful what they wish for, because equal means same treatment no matter your sex, which includes being able to register for a draft should it be called for. I from the days where women were 2nd class in the military and could only hold certain positions, deemed proper for women, so this is a really big step for them. Enough said!

I have been so busy with my mom’s health care, once again I tried to get a nurse to see her for a boil that broke on her lower back, 3 days went by and no one came or called. I once again had to do everything possible to do what I could to care for my mom. So I cleaned out the infection, let it drain, threw up in between changing, and soldiered on. I had some sterile dressing from when my parrot bit the pad off of my thumb left over, so I used that to cover the quarter sized hole across mom’s spine. I started putting unfiltered raw honey on the pad before putting it on and at day 3 of the honey treatment the hole is down to the size of a pea with no sign of infection. No pills, no doctors, just plain old love and common sense!

Today I claim to be my day of rest!

No chores, lots of sleep, and maybe a treat later in the day!

Welcome to a new year, a new President, and a new life!

End of the Year, End of my Rope!

Sorry I haven’t had the opportunity or time to write, Hospice has once again let my mother fall through the cracks, telling me she’s not deteriorating fast enough, having her go weeks at a time without a bath because her case nurse didn’t turn in her paperwork. Finally sending a bath person who used nearly a whole bottle of soap and dumped water on her in a all electric bed! All this when temperatures hit freezing and we had rain. What the hell is wrong with people?

It took nearly 3 days to get mom dry and warm, then she slept so solid that I had to make sure she was still breathing. I’m sorry but if you take a job working with people you should do your best for them or find another line of work. It’s not like my mom can just get up and move so I can clean up the mess, she has no use of her left side so I have to rock her from side to side, pushing and pulling trying to stuff things under her while trying to hold up her dead weight, hard enough for anyone but when you are nearly blind it’s nearly impossible! And she is now all broken out from all the soap left on her. Yes I went off to the manager. Today I trained yet another bath attendant so we start over. Being the end of the month, I can’t just order more supplies, I have to wait until we get paid on the 3rd.

I am all broken out from the stress and worrying about my mom, the daily breakdowns around the house; like the storms blowing out the pilot light again, ants coming in from under the house, neighbors cutting branches off my fruit trees to make it easier to get to the fruit. I know that most mean well but you would go ballistic should someone come to your house and start cutting at your trees without asking.

Then the main stress of all, what am I going to do once mom is gone?

This is a rental house in mom’s name and I no longer have a car, I have no where to go, no family, medical for mom has depleted our savings and that medical supply company cleared out our checking accounts, and I never got caught up enough to start saving again. I get so depressed thinking about it that I get angry for being depressed and find that I just sleep in between mom’s changing and feeding.

I watch this whole thing between Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher and then start thinking maybe that is the best way. I choke when I panic because it’s just to hard to breathe, what am I supposed to do? Going to bed to think about it for now.

Another Goal Complete 

Today is my mom’s 77th Birthday, a year ago the doctors said she wouldn’t live 12 hours so say your goodbyes. So much has happened during the last year but I must be doing something right because we are both still here. After the death of my last uncle and mom having another mini stroke, mom started dwelling on only the people we have lost and the day she will see them again. I decided that I needed to show her who is still living so I contacted my cousins that actually call once in a while to say hello and started a project of “Our Still Living” wall. I put each picture on a canvas and kept them in the living room while I scrimmped and saved until I collected them and surprised  her today. I’m exhausted but here  is my mom seeing the wall for the first time. Hopefully it will download. Well after 25 tries it still would not download. So went and took a picture of the finished wall.

Sometimes the Story is Better than the Cover.

It has been nearly a year since my mom has been bedridden and I have been locked inside my house except for the few hours a month a volunteer watches mom. I have been weeded out of all social circles and I myself, weeded out so called friends that disappeared when I was no longer paying when we went out. talk about a wake up call!

I have spent the last year getting to know a lot about myself without any outside influence and I find that I am worth knowing. I have learned to enjoy exploring the deep corners of my own heart. 

I love the saying I have chosen for today, because each of us has a story or novel inside just waiting to be read, loved, and enjoyed by someone else. Some of us spend more time on the cover to grab everyone’s attention but leaving nothing to the imagination to keep their interest on the story itself.  

Me, I am more the Dusty, Old, Leather bound, worn-out edges and dog-eared pages with faded gold embossed title, stuffed in the way back and bottom of the pile type of Book! The kind of book that only the true rare book enthusiasts will dig deep to discover. I am the snuggle in front of the fire, brandy or wine in hand while I entertain you all winter long type of Book!

Unfortunately, in our electronic age the ones who normally would enjoy my story have been enticed away and once out of sight I have become out of mind and forgotten. And today’s generation judge a book by random pages, thinking they will wait for the movie to save time. 

So is the status of my story, I have no hopes of finding a reader unless the Internet shuts down and people are reminded about the imagination and adventures and joy a really good book can bring to one’s own heart if they would only give it a chance.

I know what I’m worth 

As time goes on I am noticing more and more that I am no longer holding on to things from my past.  Things that I once cherished and I held dear to my heart, I just don’t care if I let them go anymore. I have lived with hatred my whole life, not once have I felt like I belonged, I am almost 53 and never been loved. I look at old pictures of myself and realized that I wasted what beauty I once had, I look in the mirror and see the damage a hard life has done to my looks. I know that I am dieing, we all die, that’s a given and I am not afraid that my days are numbered. I am type 2 diabetic and was taking 2 different insulin  (long lasting and a quick release) Since taking care of mom full-time, and being legally blind, getting back to a doctor is not a easy task. My insurance company kept giving me the run around and I have been without my long lasting insulin for over a month now. My bank denied my debit card purchases at the grocery store less than a mile from my house, because I don’t use it in person enough so the bank security system thinks that my card is stolen and I cannot use it. For a normal person this would be a inconvenience, but for someone with panic attacks, anxiety and PTSD, being stranded with a denied card surrounded by strangers, during the holidays is the making of a very bad situation. I tried explaining to the bank that I now only get two hours a month to leave the house. That I have to take a taxi since I cannot see to drive and trying to grocery shop, see a doctor and catch a cab home within my two hour limit is stressful enough but to have the card transactions denied making my limited time only more limited is just wrong! Twice they have done this and I told them that the 3rd time I switch banks not a good way to treat a customer of 2 5 years. He apologized and said he hopes I have a happy thanksgiving, I said thanks but you denied my food purchase so we will not be able to have a thanksgiving this year. He said that the problem was taken care of so I could use my card now, I reminded him that I don’t get a second chance, my two hours is up until next month. 

So, life goes on, good or bad, beautiful or ugly, young or old the only thing that will stay true is that we are born, we live and we die, nothing in between really matters. 

I found out that I didn’t really have any true friends when things got tough, they got Gone!
I have one Internet friend that lives on the other side of the world, we are a quarter century apart in age, she is beautiful where I am ugly, yet, we are so alike and have never missed a day sending emails and we try to Skype often. in fact my parrot is in love with her and spends most of our Skype time getting her attention. I believe her friendship is my reason for waking up each day at times. My energy is gone, lifting my mom has taken its toll on me. I need something to look forward to again.

Walls Keep Crumbling Down Around Me!

One month of complete non-stop Hell!

I don’t understand how I’m still alive and I haven’t killed anyone, who knew that I could handle so much, so fast, we are talking rapid fire, and my faith and strength is nearly gone. 

Dealing with death in the family is hard enough to face, but losing your oldest friend without warning just days after you lose your uncle, and dealing with a mother who had another stroke from the news and the phones go down so no 911 calls can be made. 

Plumbing backing up, house flooded, workers leaving gates open and dogs getting out. Nearly every person I know is dealing with some kind of cancer, mom’s afraid it’s something in the water, so won’t drink tap. 

I can’t remember when I was able to leave the house, I guess I should look up my last taxi bill, I am so stressed that I have broken out in hives and boils, my social security was cut in half because Obama care went up again, hospice is supplying less and less causing me to order more from amazon. I can’t keep up with the chores, nursing staff, bills and Pain. Mom has been more demanding, insurance is not sending the correct amount of insulin supplies for me, I ran out of needles for the pen and am using my old stash that bruise me from 2013. My migraines are constantly making me dizzy, and being legally blind, and diabetes I am a poster woman for the abused, you can dot to dot my bruises. 

I have no one to watch mom so I can see my doctor, funny, I always made time to help friends in need but when I ask everyone is to busy. I have cleared my so called friends and family from my life, just couldn’t take the deep depression they were putting me in. I have one friend left and she is all the way on the other side of the world. in the year we have met we have never missed a day of emailing each other and now we Skype when we can. I used to have many support friends on here but that is my fault for not writing more often. I want to, but my day starts at 5 am and ends around 2 am not leaving time to write or sleep or take care of myself. 

Most of the time I just want it all to end, but each day I am still here, I still force myself to care for my mom and the animals and if I have anything left to offer I take care of me.


September has started with a Bang!

First the pilot light blew out and we had no hot water, again. Landlord fixed that and left the side gate open and my dogs got out. Just as I was about to panic from  just imagining a nearly blind, fat,disabled lady wondering the streets screaming for her lost babies, both dogs came bounding back to tell me about the wild adventure they just had. I quickly locked the gate and collapsed crying as I was overwhelmed with kisses. 

Today I got up early to do laundry and dishes before the nurses for mom started arriving, and the kitchen sink started to back up, got the plunger until it cleared, finishing dishes and started laundry. Bathing nurse showed and said toilet took a long time to flush, then we heard water in the laundry room and the wall drain to the washer was flooding the kitchen. Used the just dried towels to stop the water from spreading while we were able to stop the machine and sweep the water out the back door. 

Good to know fact, just because you use a swifter wet jet now do not get rid of the old mops!

Can’t use water or restroom until plumber arrives, can’t use electronic equipment until floor is dry  (feet in standing water and microwave don’t play well together)

I grabbed a nutrition bar since I had already taken my insulin before the waterfall and was starting to get sick. I called the plumber during which time a text came in notifying me that my uncle just passed away and I needed to call my cousins on the west coast. 19 years to the day of my Dad’s passing, I called our pastor who comes every Friday to alert him that we have to tell my mom and with her having a mini stroke last month everything around her has been kept quiet and happy, happy, joy, joy, kinda atmosphere. 

Now, knowing my panic attacks and PTSD I have taught myself to have a very warped sense of humor to get through really tough times, and today was no exception!

At the time of my uncles passing was the same time as the plumbing explosion, so first thing that popped out of my mouth was, “the brothers (6 all dead) are reunited once again and they were so full of crap that they blew up the plumbing when they came to say goodbye.!

This is how my mind works, I mean no disrespect to the dead, but I have to cope with the reality of everything. I know what my limits are before I snap, I started smoking and have a drink a day to calm down  (did I mention that I am almost out of liquor and cigarettes) yet because of my whit, I was able to joke my way through without harmful outcomes to myself or others.

Soon as everyone leaves I will allow myself to cry but for right now, I am pretty proud of just making it up until now. It’s been a rough and winding road this last couple of years, I am still here and mom is still alive, so I must be doing something right!

Never Let Go of Hope!

Another month has flown past me, since my last post we have been bombarded by visitors, everyone loves my mom. My youngest son brought his family at the beginning of July, I was able to hold and play with my grandson for the 2nd time in his first year of life. 

After the rocky start with his parents and myself, I think they realized that I’m not a bad person. 

The pastor from the local church  who prays with my mom every Friday, brought over a few couples to help finish the living room so it was safe for my grandsons visit. They were warned ahead of time of my PTSD and panic attacks and were very kind and patient with me and what I wanted done. Even calling after the kids visit to make sure it all went well. 

Then hospice merged with another company and started switching nurses and staff really stressing me beyond my limits causing me to go a whole month without leaving the house at all. I need some sort of routine, but with the extreme heat and not knowing who or when someone was coming was hard for mom and I not to mention the poor animals. Thank goodness we are almost back to some normality. 

I was able to surprise my mom and had her hair cut short during all the chaos of change. 

It’s really short but she absolutely loves it.

I cannot believe that when I started this blog I was almost 500 pounds, with taking care of mom and the house and animals and still trying to find time to get back in shape and get healthy again, I am now at 370 pounds! I must be doing something right. 

This last week was the hardest, cousins from Washington state and Ohio came to see mom, along with the regular nurses and hospice staff, I was hanging by a very thin thread. My cat decided that my life was to easy and jumped from the chair across the room to my bed in the middle of the night, landing paws spread puncturing the bottom of my feet, not a good thing for anyone but really bad for  a diabetic. So besides regular chores I know had to take time to clean and soak the bottom of my feet to keep from the puncture wounds getting infections. So having diabetes, fybromyalgia and a hairline fracture that hasn’t had time to heal, now I have to shuffle on the outside edges of my feet because the flat of my feet are tender and puffy, what fun I am having! Yesterday was our last day with the cousins, mom loved seeing them and they did help out with things I couldn’t, like put up new smoke detector and a toilet seat and get a fire extinguisher and surprised me with a Amazon gift card for food. I stayed in the background so much that I wasn’t included in any of the pictures, I just figured that I see my mom every day and her room is so small, besides my bed is in the living room across from mom’s door so I could hear everything said from my bed and was able to put my feet up. 

Well mom enjoyed the week but is glad it’s over, me, I got up as I do every day, did my chores, put away grocery delivery, fed and changed mom, did two loads of laundry and I am ready to nap until her next meal. I believe that I have caught you up on the last month and yet I am still smiling, I was going to say standing but that would have been a lie, because if I stand, my eyes fill with tears from the pain. But I can still smile!

Take care of yourself or you can’t take very good care of others who may need you. I know because I’m living the hell but pushing through one day at a time.  


What Kind of Motivation Do You Have?

Over the last year so much has happened, becoming a caregiver for my mom has been a very big challenge added to my own health goals. I was over 400 pounds when I started my blog, I worked hard on my pool project and started working out in water and got down to 390 pounds. Then as you know mom had a stroke, a windstorm tore the roof apart  and I had to drain the pool after it filled with debris. I had to set aside my goals and fight for my mom’s right to live. I have been trying once again to set up the pool, but taking care of mom is demanding and just getting over pneumonia I just don’t have any get up and go, I can barley walk, I have become very depressed thinking that my weight had returned to crush my ankles, I have trouble breathing when laying down and I just want to sleep. 

But, I have been eating right, I push myself every day and I fight my depression every single second of every day. I hate the pain, I hate having no time just to think or do something just for me, I haven’t been out of the house in 3 weeks since my volunteer went on vacation. I have had to cancel yet another doctors appointment, I was about to just give up and not get out of bed today but I did, and I even got on the scale and you know what?

I weighed in at 370 pounds, tomorrow I start replacing one meal a day with a nutrisystem shake, I am sick and tired of pain but I am not giving in to it. The living room project is finished, now the pool, kitchen and bedroom projects so no more time wishing for something better, it’s time to just push and make better happen!