Weeding Out The Garden Of Life!

Change is good, even if it doesn’t feel good at the time.

This whole moving experience has not only weeded out so called friends, unfortunately, it also weeded out my dad’s whole side of family. Most of my cousins on my mom’s side have been supportive, but my dad’s side couldn’t hide fast enough, made mom and I feel like crap, like don’t move anywhere close to us! Thanks family!

To make matters worse, our landlord of nearly 20 years (whom we paid rent faithfully, never late, not once) has refused to maintain the property and now during California heat wave and fire season, our air conditioning unit is out, 108 degrees inside with just fans. When I called, her answer was well now those ice cold showers should feel good! I had every intention of paying her back the last three months, but leaving us with no hot water and no air conditioning when it’s 112 degrees outside was the last abuse of my kindness. I no longer feel guilty about being behind in packing, covered in shingles, having fibromyalgia, arthritis, and heat blisters makes for very slow movement and shortness of breath, one box a week is about all I can do on my own.

On the bright side, we have met some wonderful new people that are quickly becoming life long friends. Our agent has gone above and beyond getting things done to help us get this house, understanding my PTSD and keeping me calm along the way. It’s a start and gives us hope! Just waiting for a closing date to get the final chapter going, need to finish the book of our old life and start a brand new one!


Power of Prayer!

Well we didn’t make the October 15th deadline, still packing up but we are almost done!

I didn’t wait around for the HUD paperwork, and thank God I didn’t! (When it did arrive it WAS ALL about classes for parolees before they could get help with housing!) ARE you kidding me? MY mom has never been in trouble a day in her life! Just another way that the government stalls instead of helping people, absolutely wrong!

Well as I said before, I didn’t stay idle, while packing, I prayed, I asked around the church and found a Christian agent who had his loan officer run mom and I together and to find out we qualified under first-time buyers for a 0 down loan.

So, I started looking for housing in our price range, renting was out of the question,  nothing in the city came close, a one room studio with bathroom and kitchenette rents for $1,300.00 A month. 

We found a town a thirty minute drive from a old high school friend who’s willing to take me shopping once a month for fresh groceries since there’s no deliveries in that area yet. Was given to a agent that lives in the area and we Skype calls to see the houses without me have to find a ride all the way out there and a sitter for my mom. We found a house that fit all our major needs and put in a bid, now we had liked a few houses and were outbid by cash carrying investors that flip houses. So when I heard someone was bidding against us again, I put it ALL in God’s hands and every prayer chain I knew of!

3 days of absolute hell, breaking out every way you can break out, NOT being able too hold anything down, crying, acting out, not being able to function and basically just shutting down.  

Mom and I had become squatters, couldn’t pay rent and save up for closing costs and inspection, I sent the landlord a hundred dollars as good faith to pay back what we owe, she cashed it and hasn’t called back.

I am happy to say that prayers work, we won the bid and our payments will be less than a thousand a month on a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house on a quarter Acer lot that’s fully fenced on the outskirts of the high desert. It’s around 10 degrees cooler than our present location, clear skies and even stars at night. And snows about every 10 year’s, we even have a fireplace. Will have to set something up for sweet girl my birthday chicken to keep her warm, but she gets to stay with us. So excited about our new house, life, and  just moving forward. 

Thanks for being my friends in such a dark world and encouraging me to always push forward. 

So They Say!

Why do people always say don’t worry, your time is coming?

Tonight I’m really struggling with life and this move. Mom gave me the “Puppy Dog Eyes ” & “The Quivering Lower Lip” making me feel beyond guilty for getting rid of her heavy furniture, doesn’t matter I’m getting rid of my things also. Why does she always make me feel like the bad guy, she is bedridden, leaving the whole move my responsibility to get done before October 15th, not to mention my health issues and blindness. I’m not even sure I will take my TV, it’s 1980’s big, bulky and heavy. Mom has a flat screen so hers will stay.

How do you downsize to the unknown? Why buy and invest in beautiful things when you have to leave them at the curb like rubbish because you are getting to old to move them yourself, or you don’t have time to sell them off. So many memories over a half century I have to let go of and leave behind. I, like my things, are being cast off and forgotten, erased from everyone’s life as if we never existed. A beautiful 14th century kings pedestal 4 poster bedroom set, sand blasted pine (pinkish) reduced to becoming firewood! How can I not get emotional? But, leave it behind I will, goodbye beautiful things!

Undying Hope!

Making a check list for all the things that have to be done before the move. 

I had my “What IF?” Freak out last night and I didn’t like it one bit!

This morning I got a grip on my fears and remembered that I still have hope, and my faith that everything happens for a reason and that what is truly needed God will provide in his time, NOT mine.

My job is to trust in God while taking care of my mom and getting things in order for the move, whenever that happens. As long as I do my very best at my part, God will come through and provide his part, a house in a safe environment for mom and I. 

The hardest part of getting my list done is NOT knowing where to transfer everything, so all belongings will be put into storage except for the essentials we use every day. Utilities will have to wait until we have a new address. Mom actually has been wonderful reminding me hourly that God will provide, we have a lot of people praying for a place to become available before October 1st.

Of course our biggest stress is our children (pets) ALL are rescued, clover has traveled everywhere with me since 1996, the cat’s we bottle fed after we found them in the field, they’re nearly 10, and Tiara and Pumpkin were left inside a kennel to die at a abandoned puppy mill, mom and I saved 27 dogs that day. After loosing my dog of 17 years the day before, mom and I decided to keep the two that were not expected to live and were to damaged to adopt out, that was 6 years ago. Tiara checks on mom And let’s me know if something is wrong, and Pumpkin trained herself to let me know if my insulin is high or low. And then there is the wild chicken God brought into my life on my birthday last year,  when we prayed that I needed strength to continue taking care of my mom. None of these have run away or died so that’s telling me God will keep our family together. 

Of course I broke out in shingles with all the stress, making moving around a lot slower, God’s WAY of telling me to breathe and take it one slow step at a time! (Ha,ha!)😂😂😂

Please continue to pray for mom and I, that a safe environmental home will become available and that a driver for the uhaul for the essentials and a handicap van for mom will come forward since I no longer have a driver’s license. 

Blind Faith

August has never been friendly to my family and this year’s been exceptionally bad. First animal control did a door to door and we couldn’t find the paperwork so we ended up with a $821.00 30 day fix or pay ticket.

I’ll have to pay around $300.00 of it.

The next day we were served with a 60 day eviction notice, mom’s been renting here for 20 years, I’ve been here 15 years, that’s a lot of collected stuff to go through alone.

I put out a request to add us to everyone’s prayer list, my mom’s cousin is the only offer of help I’ve had. At least now my mom knows what is going on, when I first got notice she was taking medication and having more mini strokes so we were searching for the dogs paperwork quietly. Which we found but they need their rabies updated, so made vet appointments, arrangements for a babysitter and a ride both to the vet and to animal control to pay the tags and appeal the original ticket.

My cousin also found the original deed to mom and dad’s cemetery plots (they’re both named along with my deceased brother but I was never added )

So I need to get a notoriety to prove who mom is and that she wants my name added to the deed. Unfortunately, we haven’t found any birth certificate, death certificate to provide proof.

A family member of the deceased owner of our rental has their car stored behind our gate blocking the area we need to put a dumpster then a storage POD to be able to move out. I am getting tired of being nice, I am stressed enough trying to move everything into storage and find a place that we can keep our animals, who are the only family we have left. And what will happen to the chicken God gave me for my birthday?

I’m fighting depression, PTSD, panic attacks, fibromyalgia and type 2 diabetic almost out of my long lasting insulin, yet I am pushing myself beyond any boundaries I’ve ever had to. If I don’t take care of mom then who will? If allow myself to fall apart and break down then all is lost.

I can do this!

My cousin and I need to finish the office paperwork, clean out my brothers storage mostly trash since boxes crushed, then friends of my cousins in Ohio who live close by here in California will move mom’s heavy 1970’s bedroom set out to the curb around the 1st week of September which is around the time mom’s HUD housing voucher package should arrive.

Now for total Blind Faith part, I am doing what is expected of me by making arrangements to be out of the house before October 15th, being on social security, I can’t rent a storage POD and people to help and moving van and pay rent on the new place and this place also so I’m not paying rent in September or October, she waited until I paid August’s rent to have me served without a care of moving mom. POD will hold our belongings until we find a place to live but we won’t even know what we qualify for until the paperwork arrives, giving us less than a month to get it approved and signed to move in. What about medicine, food, diaper supplies, phone service? What about mom and I and the animals? I guess I have to have faith that everything will work out!

Stay tuned for more!

Forsaken, Forgotten, Fear of the Future!

I am so sorry for not having written since my birthday in March, don’t feel to bad I haven’t been able to leave the house since then either. I didn’t realize that it’s been that long, 4 months since I ventured past the front door, no wonder I feel depressed!

I still have my sweet girl chicken, she didn’t like me collecting her eggs so she now hides them somewhere in the back of the carport. I feel sorry for whom ever finds them.

I still have both cats and my parrot and both dogs, they’re my main entertainment besides my Kindle and TV.

My mom is still with me, the hole is still at the base of her spine, raw honey has kept it infection free. She has a rash I am having trouble getting under control, a bath nurse allowed mold to grow on the mattress pad, stripped down and cleaned bed, used oatmeal on mom’s back but with triple digit heat, I just can’t stay on top of it.

I received notification yesterday that yet again the owner of the house we rent has died (this is the 3rd death in that family that inherited this house ) this time instead of passing it along to another family member they’re going to sell it. Leaving me to get rid of everything and find a new place to live. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had help sorting items to be sold, donated or trashed. I no longer have a driver’s license or a car so that is also a big problem when it’s time to move. My main stress is after tending to mom, my daily chores and dealing with my medical problems that doesn’t leave much time for sorting and packing or making inquiries into a new place. I have plenty of people to pray for us or send warm thoughts, but not one to find, the time to help, give advice or even actually talk to me. No family, no friends now that is really depressing!

It really is down to just mom and I!

We haven’t even had a visit from our pastor in 4 weeks and the hospice one doesn’t understand English and can’t read scriptures to mom, I have been so hurt and upset that I have become numb and robotic in my daily life. I guess that is how 4 months has passed without notice.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t remember what has past, I am just existing alone in the darkness, Forgotten, forsaken by those I protected and dropped everything for to help them in their hour of need.

I don’t fear change, but I do fear moving heavy furniture, finding spiders in boxes and learning how much has been stolen from so called friends and family over the years. I fear realizing that I am only one small grain of sand in this universe and that I am going to die alone and never loved. Why am I fighting so hard for one more day when no one cares if I live or die? Correction, I have one person on the other side of the world and her encouragements have kept me going for almost two years now. But I need physical help, literally, to move solid oak furniture!

Seriously, help me move this other stuff and I’ll give you the oak!

I Asked For Strength, GOD, GAVE ME A CHICKEN!

Be very careful what you pray for, God has a wicked sense of humor!

The day before my 53rd birthday, I had two hours out of my house, so I took a cab to a restaurant and paid him to wait while I ordered to go. I ordered Lobster and Red shrimp grilled with asparagus, 3 deserts  (chocolate cake for me, mom, and the volunteer) and while waiting I ordered a Cadillac Margarita! My first margarita in nearly five years. I enjoyed every drop!

Going on my second year of taking care of mom, having finally gotten my son and his wife to put the car in their name so I am not responsible for something I no longer have and finally wining my battle with medi-cal and finally getting my social security back. I was starting to hope that 2017 was going to be a better year, but received a letter from the DMV that I needed to come in for a eye test before my license expired on 3-9-17 (why do I need a eye exam for a California ID?)

My volunteer had to find someone to babysit mom, make a appointment with the DMV, and take me there since I have panic attacks around large crowds. Couldn’t be done before my birthday so ordering the margarita was a very big deal to me!

Before leaving the volunteer prayed with my mom and I over heard them praying for extra strength and endurance for me to continue taking care of mom and myself and the animals. I didn’t think anything about it, sounded like a great idea to me!

I woke up the morning of my birthday, started coffee and my chores like any normal day. I put the dogs outback like I always do and started my laundry, when I heard a commotion of dogs going berserk and a noise I hadn’t heard since childhood, so I bolted out the door. God have mercy! The dogs had a chicken cornered in the carport!

Neither dog would listen to commands and I didn’t want a dead chicken so I turned on the hose to separate the animals. A hour of chasing the dogs I got them in the house and dried off. My neighbor came over to help catch the chicken, but she was so small and stayed just beyond reach. She had no bands and the neighborhood is full of hidden coops. My neighbor would keep me informed if anyone is asking about a missing chicken. So with heart pounding I went back inside to check on mom and the dogs. 

Over the next few weeks I have;

1. run up and down the back steps

2. Tried to train pumpkin pie to not chase the chicken  (she smells the chicken and goes into a trance of kill the chicken mode!)

3. Tried all kinds of leashes and harnesses and realized pumpkin pie is Houdini reincarnated!

4. Rearranged my whole life around a chicken I named Luk Luk! (L=lucky, U =unlucky, K =killing me)

5. Neither dog was going to go to the bathroom as long as the chicken was on the ground. So I waited until the chicken roasted on top of my punching bag in the carport each night to let the dogs outside to go and now wake up before the sun to let them outside, that seems to work and we have become vampires!

6. Mom and I now have a common ground for conversation each day. 

7. Tiara listens well and can go outside with me during the night just like she used to during the day, but pumpkin pie knows that somewhere in all the junk in the carport is a living squeak toy! (More like a one time only speak toy!) But can only be let out while supervised and for limited time. 

8. On the bright side I don’t have to worry about the bee’s stinging me at night, with all the citrus trees and flowers blooming it was scary going outside during the day. 

9. Two weeks in and the burning of muscles and crying myself to sleep has lessened somewhat. 

10. My heart still pounds hard, but it’s no longer choking me to catch my breath. 

11. Luk Luk, eats her weight in bugs daily, less spiders and snails, she can stay as long as she wants!

12. Gardener’s now know that I have a chicken and say she brings good luck. 

So, the way we tell the story around here is, we prayed for strength and God gave us a chicken!

She still stays just outside of reach but comes up to talk to me daily and doesn’t believe that my toes are not worms!

I’m even loosing some weight from chasing the dogs and cats to protect my little bug eater!

Be Fierce!

And this is exactly what I have been busy doing!

I gave my Facebook friends and family notice that I will block them if all they post was negative stuff about our President. And the next day I did it, let go of many high school friends and cousins, and at first it was strange but now my life has become calm and peaceful and I find that I like mornings once again. 

Next will be the women’s rights postings, I’m all for equality, but don’t bitch about it when you get it! These people should be careful what they wish for, because equal means same treatment no matter your sex, which includes being able to register for a draft should it be called for. I from the days where women were 2nd class in the military and could only hold certain positions, deemed proper for women, so this is a really big step for them. Enough said!

I have been so busy with my mom’s health care, once again I tried to get a nurse to see her for a boil that broke on her lower back, 3 days went by and no one came or called. I once again had to do everything possible to do what I could to care for my mom. So I cleaned out the infection, let it drain, threw up in between changing, and soldiered on. I had some sterile dressing from when my parrot bit the pad off of my thumb left over, so I used that to cover the quarter sized hole across mom’s spine. I started putting unfiltered raw honey on the pad before putting it on and at day 3 of the honey treatment the hole is down to the size of a pea with no sign of infection. No pills, no doctors, just plain old love and common sense!

Today I claim to be my day of rest!

No chores, lots of sleep, and maybe a treat later in the day!

Welcome to a new year, a new President, and a new life!

End of the Year, End of my Rope!

Sorry I haven’t had the opportunity or time to write, Hospice has once again let my mother fall through the cracks, telling me she’s not deteriorating fast enough, having her go weeks at a time without a bath because her case nurse didn’t turn in her paperwork. Finally sending a bath person who used nearly a whole bottle of soap and dumped water on her in a all electric bed! All this when temperatures hit freezing and we had rain. What the hell is wrong with people?

It took nearly 3 days to get mom dry and warm, then she slept so solid that I had to make sure she was still breathing. I’m sorry but if you take a job working with people you should do your best for them or find another line of work. It’s not like my mom can just get up and move so I can clean up the mess, she has no use of her left side so I have to rock her from side to side, pushing and pulling trying to stuff things under her while trying to hold up her dead weight, hard enough for anyone but when you are nearly blind it’s nearly impossible! And she is now all broken out from all the soap left on her. Yes I went off to the manager. Today I trained yet another bath attendant so we start over. Being the end of the month, I can’t just order more supplies, I have to wait until we get paid on the 3rd.

I am all broken out from the stress and worrying about my mom, the daily breakdowns around the house; like the storms blowing out the pilot light again, ants coming in from under the house, neighbors cutting branches off my fruit trees to make it easier to get to the fruit. I know that most mean well but you would go ballistic should someone come to your house and start cutting at your trees without asking.

Then the main stress of all, what am I going to do once mom is gone?

This is a rental house in mom’s name and I no longer have a car, I have no where to go, no family, medical for mom has depleted our savings and that medical supply company cleared out our checking accounts, and I never got caught up enough to start saving again. I get so depressed thinking about it that I get angry for being depressed and find that I just sleep in between mom’s changing and feeding.

I watch this whole thing between Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher and then start thinking maybe that is the best way. I choke when I panic because it’s just to hard to breathe, what am I supposed to do? Going to bed to think about it for now.

Another Goal Complete 

Today is my mom’s 77th Birthday, a year ago the doctors said she wouldn’t live 12 hours so say your goodbyes. So much has happened during the last year but I must be doing something right because we are both still here. After the death of my last uncle and mom having another mini stroke, mom started dwelling on only the people we have lost and the day she will see them again. I decided that I needed to show her who is still living so I contacted my cousins that actually call once in a while to say hello and started a project of “Our Still Living” wall. I put each picture on a canvas and kept them in the living room while I scrimmped and saved until I collected them and surprised  her today. I’m exhausted but here  is my mom seeing the wall for the first time. Hopefully it will download. Well after 25 tries it still would not download. So went and took a picture of the finished wall.