Still Fighting!

Here March is almost gone, I am now 54 years old and I am still pushing myself each and every day! I have installed motion sensor light bars through out the house, we hardly ever use house lights so our electric bills are very low. I made some greenhouses out of the plastic moving/storage bins and have tomatoes growing already in my room waiting for warm-up outside. I have 1 three tier planter waiting to be put together. Winds have been so strong my iron chairs keep blowing across the yard. This week rains are in the forecast, but I have faith, I will get it all started soon.

Unfortunately I have had more bad days than good, many panic attacks, not being able to find what I need, making sure mom and the animals have enough food on hand and chores are getting done.

Took pictures of the yard before I start this project, remember, wind storms just finished.

One day, one step at a time!

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New Beginning!

I had a chance to just sit down today and look around. My first true relaxing moment since moving to our forever home.

As I looked around I noticed the subtle changes that are starting to happen. The dirt packed back yard is starting to level out. Grass is starting along the side of the house, I haven’t watered we had one night of rain in December, but it gives me hope that things do grow up here.

I’ve been so busy taking care of mom and settling into the new house that I didn’t realize I’ve only been here since December, that I’m blind and had to learn my new house. I have had to be creative making meals having no way to get to a store, both of my neighbors are never home so absolutely no help what so ever.

Each day I get up and push myself beyond every fiber of my being, I get angry at myself for trusting people who let me down, yet I continue to trust and have hope that one day I will make a friend. Maybe I should wish more for courage to leave the gates of my property, to take a shower when no one is here to watch mom.

I look around and sure we don’t have fresh food but it’s ordered and on its way. We don’t have any money in the bank, but ALL bills are paid up and current!

We have no vegetables but have ALL the seeds I could ask for and just need to get them planted.

We have no one who cares about us, but we have each other and ALL the animals are STILL alive!

Looking around I am amazed that I have done all this ALL by myself!

Just Because It’s Not Fresh, Doesn’t Mean It Can’t Taste GOOD!

Frozen chicken patty

Frozen vegetables

Spaghetti sauce

Sourdough bread

Pepper jack cheese

Having found only a few of my pots and pans, not my spatula or spoons and the oven is still blocked by boxes; movers, all volunteers from the church filled my U-shaped kitchen with boxes!🀀and being legally blind, have been crazy trying to learn my new house and unpack and take care of my mom.

Anyway, the 2nd of February will be two months here alone without a way to get to a store so I have been forced to use my imagination to feed us. I find my dry goods through Amazon, frozen vegetables and fruits through Schawns, salads from Dominos Pizza, MEAT from Omaha steak, and water from sparkletts ALL of these delivered to the house.

I am trying to start vegetables and fruits inside the house to be planted outside when it warms up (average night’s are 30 degrees right now)

It can only get better from here

RIGHT?

Survival is the Only Option

So much has happened in the month and a half of living in our own home!

The friend from high school who promised to take me to a store once a month, literally lied and has come up with every excuse for not being able to come. Unfortunately for her, I also have her daughter on Facebook so when she said they all have the flu, yet her daughter posted that they all went shopping for a camping trip, I was really hurt. Mom and I have been surviving on can goods and survival packages from the Internet. We have had one hospice coordinator that picked up a order of fresh produce from Wal Mart before coming for her visit to mom.

Knowing absolutely no one in this town and no neighbors at this time and no source of transportation, and finding out Nothing Delivers in this town except for Domino pizza (I get their chicken for protein, salads for vegetables )

We have not given up hospice has given me seeds and starter kits to start growing vegetables inside until it’s warmer outside to plant.

So I will be starting new goals and objectives and writing more often to push myself to turn this desert property into a self sustainable home!

Hopefully you can encourage me along the way!

Starvation isn’t going to happen!

Weeding Out The Garden Of Life!

Change is good, even if it doesn’t feel good at the time.

This whole moving experience has not only weeded out so called friends, unfortunately, it also weeded out my dad’s whole side of family. Most of my cousins on my mom’s side have been supportive, but my dad’s side couldn’t hide fast enough, made mom and I feel like crap, like don’t move anywhere close to us! Thanks family!

To make matters worse, our landlord of nearly 20 years (whom we paid rent faithfully, never late, not once) has refused to maintain the property and now during California heat wave and fire season, our air conditioning unit is out, 108 degrees inside with just fans. When I called, her answer was well now those ice cold showers should feel good! I had every intention of paying her back the last three months, but leaving us with no hot water and no air conditioning when it’s 112 degrees outside was the last abuse of my kindness. I no longer feel guilty about being behind in packing, covered in shingles, having fibromyalgia, arthritis, and heat blisters makes for very slow movement and shortness of breath, one box a week is about all I can do on my own.

On the bright side, we have met some wonderful new people that are quickly becoming life long friends. Our agent has gone above and beyond getting things done to help us get this house, understanding my PTSD and keeping me calm along the way. It’s a start and gives us hope! Just waiting for a closing date to get the final chapter going, need to finish the book of our old life and start a brand new one!

Power of Prayer!

Well we didn’t make the October 15th deadline, still packing up but we are almost done!

I didn’t wait around for the HUD paperwork, and thank God I didn’t! (When it did arrive it WAS ALL about classes for parolees before they could get help with housing!) ARE you kidding me? MY mom has never been in trouble a day in her life! Just another way that the government stalls instead of helping people, absolutely wrong!

Well as I said before, I didn’t stay idle, while packing, I prayed, I asked around the church and found a Christian agent who had his loan officer run mom and I together and to find out we qualified under first-time buyers for a 0 down loan.

So, I started looking for housing in our price range, renting was out of the question,  nothing in the city came close, a one room studio with bathroom and kitchenette rents for $1,300.00 A month. 

We found a town a thirty minute drive from a old high school friend who’s willing to take me shopping once a month for fresh groceries since there’s no deliveries in that area yet. Was given to a agent that lives in the area and we Skype calls to see the houses without me have to find a ride all the way out there and a sitter for my mom. We found a house that fit all our major needs and put in a bid, now we had liked a few houses and were outbid by cash carrying investors that flip houses. So when I heard someone was bidding against us again, I put it ALL in God’s hands and every prayer chain I knew of!

3 days of absolute hell, breaking out every way you can break out, NOT being able too hold anything down, crying, acting out, not being able to function and basically just shutting down.  

Mom and I had become squatters, couldn’t pay rent and save up for closing costs and inspection, I sent the landlord a hundred dollars as good faith to pay back what we owe, she cashed it and hasn’t called back.

I am happy to say that prayers work, we won the bid and our payments will be less than a thousand a month on a 3 bedroom, 2 bath house on a quarter Acer lot that’s fully fenced on the outskirts of the high desert. It’s around 10 degrees cooler than our present location, clear skies and even stars at night. And snows about every 10 year’s, we even have a fireplace. Will have to set something up for sweet girl my birthday chicken to keep her warm, but she gets to stay with us. So excited about our new house, life, and  just moving forward. 

Thanks for being my friends in such a dark world and encouraging me to always push forward. 


So They Say!

Why do people always say don’t worry, your time is coming?

Tonight I’m really struggling with life and this move. Mom gave me the “Puppy Dog Eyes ” & “The Quivering Lower Lip” making me feel beyond guilty for getting rid of her heavy furniture, doesn’t matter I’m getting rid of my things also. Why does she always make me feel like the bad guy, she is bedridden, leaving the whole move my responsibility to get done before October 15th, not to mention my health issues and blindness. I’m not even sure I will take my TV, it’s 1980’s big, bulky and heavy. Mom has a flat screen so hers will stay.

How do you downsize to the unknown? Why buy and invest in beautiful things when you have to leave them at the curb like rubbish because you are getting to old to move them yourself, or you don’t have time to sell them off. So many memories over a half century I have to let go of and leave behind. I, like my things, are being cast off and forgotten, erased from everyone’s life as if we never existed. A beautiful 14th century kings pedestal 4 poster bedroom set, sand blasted pine (pinkish) reduced to becoming firewood! How can I not get emotional? But, leave it behind I will, goodbye beautiful things!

Undying Hope!

Making a check list for all the things that have to be done before the move. 

I had my “What IF?” Freak out last night and I didn’t like it one bit!

This morning I got a grip on my fears and remembered that I still have hope, and my faith that everything happens for a reason and that what is truly needed God will provide in his time, NOT mine.

My job is to trust in God while taking care of my mom and getting things in order for the move, whenever that happens. As long as I do my very best at my part, God will come through and provide his part, a house in a safe environment for mom and I. 

The hardest part of getting my list done is NOT knowing where to transfer everything, so all belongings will be put into storage except for the essentials we use every day. Utilities will have to wait until we have a new address. Mom actually has been wonderful reminding me hourly that God will provide, we have a lot of people praying for a place to become available before October 1st.

Of course our biggest stress is our children (pets) ALL are rescued, clover has traveled everywhere with me since 1996, the cat’s we bottle fed after we found them in the field, they’re nearly 10, and Tiara and Pumpkin were left inside a kennel to die at a abandoned puppy mill, mom and I saved 27 dogs that day. After loosing my dog of 17 years the day before, mom and I decided to keep the two that were not expected to live and were to damaged to adopt out, that was 6 years ago. Tiara checks on mom And let’s me know if something is wrong, and Pumpkin trained herself to let me know if my insulin is high or low. And then there is the wild chicken God brought into my life on my birthday last year,  when we prayed that I needed strength to continue taking care of my mom. None of these have run away or died so that’s telling me God will keep our family together. 

Of course I broke out in shingles with all the stress, making moving around a lot slower, God’s WAY of telling me to breathe and take it one slow step at a time! (Ha,ha!)πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

Please continue to pray for mom and I, that a safe environmental home will become available and that a driver for the uhaul for the essentials and a handicap van for mom will come forward since I no longer have a driver’s license. 

Blind Faith

August has never been friendly to my family and this year’s been exceptionally bad. First animal control did a door to door and we couldn’t find the paperwork so we ended up with a $821.00 30 day fix or pay ticket.

I’ll have to pay around $300.00 of it.

The next day we were served with a 60 day eviction notice, mom’s been renting here for 20 years, I’ve been here 15 years, that’s a lot of collected stuff to go through alone.

I put out a request to add us to everyone’s prayer list, my mom’s cousin is the only offer of help I’ve had. At least now my mom knows what is going on, when I first got notice she was taking medication and having more mini strokes so we were searching for the dogs paperwork quietly. Which we found but they need their rabies updated, so made vet appointments, arrangements for a babysitter and a ride both to the vet and to animal control to pay the tags and appeal the original ticket.

My cousin also found the original deed to mom and dad’s cemetery plots (they’re both named along with my deceased brother but I was never added )

So I need to get a notoriety to prove who mom is and that she wants my name added to the deed. Unfortunately, we haven’t found any birth certificate, death certificate to provide proof.

A family member of the deceased owner of our rental has their car stored behind our gate blocking the area we need to put a dumpster then a storage POD to be able to move out. I am getting tired of being nice, I am stressed enough trying to move everything into storage and find a place that we can keep our animals, who are the only family we have left. And what will happen to the chicken God gave me for my birthday?

I’m fighting depression, PTSD, panic attacks, fibromyalgia and type 2 diabetic almost out of my long lasting insulin, yet I am pushing myself beyond any boundaries I’ve ever had to. If I don’t take care of mom then who will? If allow myself to fall apart and break down then all is lost.

I can do this!

My cousin and I need to finish the office paperwork, clean out my brothers storage mostly trash since boxes crushed, then friends of my cousins in Ohio who live close by here in California will move mom’s heavy 1970’s bedroom set out to the curb around the 1st week of September which is around the time mom’s HUD housing voucher package should arrive.

Now for total Blind Faith part, I am doing what is expected of me by making arrangements to be out of the house before October 15th, being on social security, I can’t rent a storage POD and people to help and moving van and pay rent on the new place and this place also so I’m not paying rent in September or October, she waited until I paid August’s rent to have me served without a care of moving mom. POD will hold our belongings until we find a place to live but we won’t even know what we qualify for until the paperwork arrives, giving us less than a month to get it approved and signed to move in. What about medicine, food, diaper supplies, phone service? What about mom and I and the animals? I guess I have to have faith that everything will work out!

Stay tuned for more!

Forsaken, Forgotten, Fear of the Future!

I am so sorry for not having written since my birthday in March, don’t feel to bad I haven’t been able to leave the house since then either. I didn’t realize that it’s been that long, 4 months since I ventured past the front door, no wonder I feel depressed!

I still have my sweet girl chicken, she didn’t like me collecting her eggs so she now hides them somewhere in the back of the carport. I feel sorry for whom ever finds them.

I still have both cats and my parrot and both dogs, they’re my main entertainment besides my Kindle and TV.

My mom is still with me, the hole is still at the base of her spine, raw honey has kept it infection free. She has a rash I am having trouble getting under control, a bath nurse allowed mold to grow on the mattress pad, stripped down and cleaned bed, used oatmeal on mom’s back but with triple digit heat, I just can’t stay on top of it.

I received notification yesterday that yet again the owner of the house we rent has died (this is the 3rd death in that family that inherited this house ) this time instead of passing it along to another family member they’re going to sell it. Leaving me to get rid of everything and find a new place to live. It wouldn’t be so bad if I had help sorting items to be sold, donated or trashed. I no longer have a driver’s license or a car so that is also a big problem when it’s time to move. My main stress is after tending to mom, my daily chores and dealing with my medical problems that doesn’t leave much time for sorting and packing or making inquiries into a new place. I have plenty of people to pray for us or send warm thoughts, but not one to find, the time to help, give advice or even actually talk to me. No family, no friends now that is really depressing!

It really is down to just mom and I!

We haven’t even had a visit from our pastor in 4 weeks and the hospice one doesn’t understand English and can’t read scriptures to mom, I have been so hurt and upset that I have become numb and robotic in my daily life. I guess that is how 4 months has passed without notice.

I don’t know what tomorrow will bring, I don’t remember what has past, I am just existing alone in the darkness, Forgotten, forsaken by those I protected and dropped everything for to help them in their hour of need.

I don’t fear change, but I do fear moving heavy furniture, finding spiders in boxes and learning how much has been stolen from so called friends and family over the years. I fear realizing that I am only one small grain of sand in this universe and that I am going to die alone and never loved. Why am I fighting so hard for one more day when no one cares if I live or die? Correction, I have one person on the other side of the world and her encouragements have kept me going for almost two years now. But I need physical help, literally, to move solid oak furniture!

Seriously, help me move this other stuff and I’ll give you the oak!