Wait till I’m Dead, then Wake me!


I honestly don’t think I can take much more pain, swelling and heat, I weighed in at 397 today and I am so upset about it that my throat is tight and I cannot speak without holding back tears. I keep getting into the shower, clothing and all and laying in my bed in front of the fan, less than 20 minutes and I’m all dry again. I now have a heat rash down the back of my head, neck and shoulders, and my face is all swollen from breaking out from the C-Pap mask. And of course at over 80 degrees inside my mom is complaining she has chills and I don’t love her because I’m cussing.


Try putting 397 pounds on all the swelling without cussing somewhere along the way.  Just because I was doing so good and looking forward to my swimming time she has to take it away. I can’t call dial a ride because the steps into the van are to high and steep, like the pool and no one wants to push on my butt, besides the doorway is to narrow, I would get stuck. I can’t call a taxi because a seat belt won’t go around me, besides I can’t afford it on my social security.
I made myself clear the refrigerator so I could put the farm fresh delivery away, I lost almost half because of the heat. I can’t afford that so Monday I will postpone my service until summer ends or we clean and mom will allow someone near the house to fix the air conditioning.
I have never hated myself as much as I do right now, I am literally pissed that I can’t take care of myself, that I had to trust someone else to care for me. I keep hearing prayers for death, released from my hell and I am trying to push them away, but each day is getting harder. It took me two years to build up the courage to fight the doctors and my mother to stop most medicine and go completely natural, and where has it gotten me?

I had a taste of hope, it was working and I started to dream and make plans for the future, I got down to 384 pounds in a month and even made a believer of my doctor, he said he was proud of me.  Then the gates of hell opened up and down I fell.

It’s not just no legal way to get to the pool, it’s the insurance company messing with my insulin, thyroid, and Lidoderm patches, since April they have been saying that I should get them in two weeks, then I get a letter saying that there was a problem, I called and they say they never got a prescription, meanwhile I’m out. I can’t get it from the local pharmacy because they billed my insurance for a 75 day supply but only gave me 5 pins that are only good for 10 days once you open them, 5×10=NOT 75
So I have to fight or go without insulin for the 25 days they cheated me out of. Kill me now!

I am so tempted to use mom’s phone and call the police saying that someone is in the living room with a gun and pray that they shoot first before checking out the story.  Yes, I know that I’m loosing it with this heat and the on off of medicine I can’t go alternative on. I have no one besides writing this to talk to, I cleaned out my so called friends list when I lost my job and I quit being the only one who remembered to bring a wallet, when I couldn’t drive, pay for gas, and I gave up my timeshare.  Only one stood by me and I trust him, but he is stationed in Japan for the next 6 years.  He is also my sons age.
I am out of ideas, any suggestions? I can’t walk so exercising without water is just to painful.

Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.

Posted from WordPress for Android


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s