I want to become a part of Everything, yet, Nothing at all!


This touches my heart on so many different levels, I am literally not a material girl, I will always choose the box over the toy. I don’t like the games and dog eat dog of the big cities, I don’t want to know where the water comes from, I just want it there when I turn on the spicket. I just want to be.

When I was young I would stay up all night just to find out what happened at the end of the book, I would get so involved that I would be the character and a part of each new adventure.  When it rained, I would be out playing, laughing, and just having a good time, I didn’t want to know about acid rain, pollution or cloud dusting, I just wanted to get wet and just feel that I was a part of nature.

So long ago, I was an amazing artist, if I could imagine it I could draw, paint, carve, mold and even sew it. Out of love of the art I would challenge myself to a new craft and just give it away when I was done. I just loved the learning how to, and the peace that came over me when I was deeply into a project. The Wow factors of just knowing that the finished product came out of my head, a nobody, created something that will bring joy to someone else. I would see something in the person’s face as they gazed at my work, and I would just know that I was ment to make it just for them, yes, I created it, the thought, work and the time came from me, but the reason was to just make this one person happy. I called it my gift and to charge someone for something that was given to you freely, well, that is wrong and you can loose that gift because you abused it. I built a bench, the sides I hand carved and painted elephants that looked as if they were holding up whomever sat down. The back of the bench I hand carved and painted a bouquet of calla lilies, I made it just to learn wood working, I made it with a friend in mind for her wedding, she loved it but stabbed me in the back two days later, hurting me enough that I couldn’t even respond and I moved away cutting all ties with everyone who believed her lies. I never did anything with art again until this year.

I got depressed when I lost most of my eyesight and the hospital and doctors just kept pushing me off on someone else. I am not just saying that they made it feel like they didn’t want to deal with my problems, I am literally saying that they put me into a hospital room that was in a wing that was under construction and not manned. I felt my way around to find the bathroom, that was not working, and having only a bed in the room I was able to find a door and follow the hallway to find food and water, but I kept falling over equipment in my way. I was so hungry, I spent the first 24 hours in the ER, the 2nd 24 on a chair in the hallway, the 3rd 24 I was assigned to a gurney and placed in a alcove. I explained this to the nurse and she gave me water, telling me that I couldn’t eat before I had blood work done. This was the county hospital, on the 4th 24 hours they did a Cat Scan and Spinal Tap then put me in the room telling me that I had to lie still for 12 hours. I never heard from anyone until I started my blind adventure into the hallway, to find out I was in the closed section of the prison ward, I came across locked doors and started pounding because I could hear muffled voices on the other side. I was roughly removed and taken back to the main hospital, where I had been written off as a walk out and of course the test I did have were no where to be found and not in the records. I was given a prison lunch box to eat while they located my mom to pick me up. I was assigned a doctor who wouldn’t listen to me, I know my own body jerk! Well the medicine he gave me went toxic in my body and I quit breathing for 7 days, the hospital bugging my mom daily to pull the plug which thank God she refused.  So, here I am today, wondering what I still need to do before I am allowed to find peace and just be a part of the world.

I want nothing more of people and cities and crowds, I  want fields of lavender, babbling Brooks, star filled skys and lighting bugs, lots and lots of them.

Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.

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