Sometimes it takes a stranger, well, more like a unknown force, whispering into your ears that others in the universe, feel just what you feel. A faceless Doppelganger if you will, unknown to you and me (at this time) but that doesn’t make them any less real.
I am thankful for cyberspace, and that I can connect with others without the fear of really meeting face to face. Having worked in a mens penitentiary I have seen for myself what horrible things are outside of my house. Since I came out of my coma, I am literally trying very hard to believe in life again, believe that there is still some good out there, that there is still some shred of human kindness, people willing to care beyond their own little world.
When I started this blog it was to let out my fears and thoughts and doubt not only about what is happening in the world but what is happening inside my head, body and my very soul. My biggest fear was making this public, what if I only found more darkness, loneliness and fall deeper into Dispair? I grew up knowing only hatred, I have only felt loved by one person, my youngest son and now he is starting his own family and I find myself pulling away so I don’t cause any problems for them, his wife has enough going on expecting any day now. I wouldn’t want to be in the way.
I once tried meeting others on a dating site that my cousin met her husband on, but I only met scammers who wanted me to send them money, like I would ever fall for that, but my mom did until I had the FBI talk to her (she’s never taken my advice, I’m not smart enough to know so much about such things) she once called me a liar to my face after Desert Storm, telling me that the military would never falsify documents to cover up the truth. Then told the rest of the family that I make up stories all the time. To this day she continues to treat me like that. I am used to her ways but she is the only family I have left alive. I don’t even try to be whatever it is she thinks is a perfect daughter, I am who I am and I will no longer hide that, I can live with her hatred, I would worry if she was ever kind in private, public oh, she sings my praises, how strong I stay and how happy I am. Hello! , I am the one sleeping in a hospital bed in the living room because you need both of the bedrooms. I am the one who sits in the darkness thinking about what being loved would be like. She is my mother and has never taken the time to know who I am, she made up so many lies to please her friends that I am a complete stranger. At my father’s funeral and even my brothers, people who I have known for years asked if I knew the deceased. I would say who I was and they would tell me I’m lying. Hell, maybe I am not a part of this family, but DNA said I was. (Yes, I got myself tested) Mom is the type that has to counter everything I say, if I tell someone that the sky is blue, she would correct me with actually the sky is teal, she’s blind so she guesses a lot, but I love my baby anyways.
Well back on track, I want to thank each of you who follow me, it really helps me a lot to know that you are out there. I want to thank the ones who like certain blogs, I hope that they help you in some way, for just knowing that you liked it really helps me to stick to it. For the special ones that comment, thank you for your response and taking the time to reach out, every one is like untying just one knot of my blindfold bringing me closer to seeing the light.
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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