I have done what I can to play by the rules, to stay within the lines and follow directions, I am no longer required to follow the chain of command, it’s time for me to make waves, to get my hands dirty and throw the tantrum of the century, maybe hold my breath until I turn blue. I just know that I am running out of ways to physically getting out of bed. With not taking pain pills and not being able to use the Lidoderm patches, my joints are almost swollen in a locked position.
With the stopping of swimming at the pool my weight has returned, my ankles and knees just can’t take my weight. With the grinding of the joints my knees and ankles are very swollen, with the fibromyalgia, if I try to rest and put my feet up the pain is so bad that you begin to think only death can release you from the pain. I have made back up plans to put up a pool in the backyard for the days mom can’t take me to the gym, but I need to find the strength to move things around and clean up not to mention make sure that the bees can’t get me once I’m there.
I push myself to continue to cook and care for mom and the critters but I didn’t say I wouldn’t say a few choice words while doing it. The pain is unbelievable, and half way to the kitchen my chest starts hurting, I don’t know if it’s from my Barretts acting up because of the pain, or damage from the heat I had to put up with. Am I having a heart attack or a panic attack or is it just my body warning me that I need to fight harder to get the few things that I allow myself to have but am being denied from the insurance company.
Why do I have to call all the doctors offices and find out if they are taking new patients? Why do I have to do all the leg work, when years ago the insurance company already knew which doctors to recommend to me, the more complex the computer the stupider the insurance representative! Going on 7 months without or having problems getting medicine like insulin, Lidoderm, Nexium, my thyroid pills, that is wrong just wrong.
I am not afraid of death, but I will not allow some money hungry, paper pushing, lazy ass, person on the other end of the phone dictate how and when I die. Tomorrow is a on the phone day And I Hate talking on a Phone!
But I will find a new doctor, I will start all over (Again) I just hope my body puts up as big of a fight as my mind and mouth will. Wish me luck! I have to force myself to fight the urge to fall asleep and not try, but I have to pee sometime and without the help I need I may not make it there.
I will not be forced to be someone I am not! I just want to get healthy naturally, using only the medicine I can’t find in nature to stay alive.
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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