We all have good and bad days in our lives, some people, like myself, have to break everything down even further. I can have a good mental health day, and still have a very bad health day, physically, like I did today. The weather and smoke from the fires has a lot to do with my physical health, trouble breathing, pain in the joints and lower back pain from taking over the counter pain relief. I physically could not get around today, even my head felt to heavy to lift.
Mentally, I was alright, I mean that I had clear thoughts and made some tough choices for myself today. I am not going to fight with this stupid insurance company any more, I will just wait out my contract using over the counter drugs and vitamins, I did that for 12 years when I didn’t have insurance, I’m still alive so I will research and do it again. I know that I can find ways for the pain, it’s working with the diabetes and thyroid problems I have to research and I will. I get paid next week, so I will just order what ever I need if my mom won’t take me to the vitamin shop.
I am 51 years old and I live with my mother, she has no clue who I am, what makes me tick, or even what I like, she just doesn’t want to be alone but she is still not willing to share her space or things, she has not a clue, nor does she care to learn how to make me feel welcome around here. Today, I couldn’t get up to refill her water glass, I barely was able to put the dogs outside and make her lunch, when I overheard her giving my information over the phone, when I questioned her she said it was the insurance company, I told her that I gave up on them and to hang up. She doesn’t listen to what I say, she tunes me out and goes about what she wants to do anyways. You think that I don’t know that she’s hoping to get her painkillers in my name so she has extra on hand, she doesn’t care that I can’t take them because they cause complications, doesn’t matter if they gave me those I couldn’t get the patches I have been fighting for. So instead I will just take a over the counter mixture I did pretty well on before.
She, my mom, even threatened to call the childhood friend I talked off the ledge yesterday to talk some since into me.
I am used to having no privacy, never had any and probably never will, so no shirt off my back there. But she crossed the line today and I went off, I don’t give a damm how bad she treats me, that is her choice as my mother, but it is my choice what I let her get away with and what I allow inside my mind and heart. But it is not her choice to eves drop on my conversation and then try to use whatever she thought she heard to get me to do her bidding. She thought that the person I talked to was a close friend, someone who could influence my life, someone she could charm to get her way.
I let her know that even though I grew up with that person we are not friends, that if the table turned she would not have been there for me, that she would have blown me off like her so called friends did to her. She is a addict, she only calls me when she is truly trying to fight, knowing that I will stop everything to listen to her but will never give in to her crying for what ever happened to be her cravings of the day. Addiction has selected hearing, but since my mom is still in denial of her own addictive behavior, I just walked away and took a nap.
My last blood work shows that I am improving slowly but surely in the right direction. One doctor went so far as saying soon I would be as healthy as a horse, I said, if I was a Horse, I’d be used to make glue.
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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