Yes, I had a lifetime of hatred thrown my way, I excepted that as normal and went on with my life. I learned that if I didn’t like the way things felt as they were done to me, I would go out of my way to make sure that my children would never go through what I did, when I grew up. The pure innocent thoughts of a child.
I know now that my childhood should never have been, that child protection services was started to save children from what I was forced to live through, I also know that the authority’s now over step and abuse a service that was meant to save the children. In my teens, I was taken from the fires (my family) and thrown head first into the frying pan (foster system).
The system was new then, I was handcuffed every morning and taken to school in a police car and walked from class to class, I was kept locked up while my father was free to go on with life. I became a leper at school, the troubled girl, no one’s mother would let their children play with. The halfway house was ran by volunteer police officers, if you performed favors and did your assigned chores you could get cigarettes, candy or even go to the movies, just like home, nothing had really changed except for the people.
I never lost my ability to continue to love, in fact I have a undying passion for everything in life. I love nature, the smells, the sounds and the texture and most of all the the sights. I have always had a special bond with wild animals, and have been blessed to have been touched by them in return. I helped a bluejay baby that had fallen from it’s nest, the parents would fly down and land on my arms and feed it every time I brought it outside. I have also bonded with many other birds, squirrels, horses, mules, raccoons, Silver backed Gorilla and my favorite a wolf, yes a wild wolf. One early morning while I was waiting for a train to pass on my long drive home from work, I had my windows down to stay awake, my passengers were all sleeping. I just felt watched and turned my head very slowly and I was face to face with the most beautiful timber wolf, he was so big, and his breath was hot as it mixed with my own. I wanted with all my heart to touch him, run my hands through its fur, my hand was right there, but as our eyes locked and I knew that I had a unbreakable bond with this wild creature for life, that he was my spirit guide as a child and just wanted to meet me in the real world.
Every thing I commit myself to I do it with a passion most people can never understand, I lose myself in my senses as if making love to it with every molecule of my being. I have taught myself to become a part of the creative process of the project.
Over the years, I have also taught myself to write while I am sleeping, I keep a pen and notebook beside my bed, as a child I would wake up to find poems and stories with pictures scribbled on my pillowcase, which of course led my parents to believe that I was evil or possessed. Strange, I never thought about it until now, as a child I could write with both hands, when I came out of my coma, I was writing left handed, not right. Back when I was little, you were forced to use only your right hand, left handed was wrong, bad, and evil. Hello world, I was not evil, I was born with gifts that you could not understand and forced me to believe that they were bad.
As a adult with a lot of time on my hands, I started reading about natural gifts, and through the years some of these have returned to me.
I see beauty in everything and have been trying to capture what I see in pictures.
I have been blessed with the gift of healing others, but for the moment, my cup is overwhelmingly full and I need to heal myself and recharge my batteries before I can use that gift again.
I have the gift of compassion, empathy, and understanding of the pain of the deepest problems, it’s the simplest things that gives me the most trouble.
I know deep down inside that I am special, my problem is that so many people saying that I am evil and bad has blocked and trapped my creative side and I started to believe them and not in myself, how could that many be wrong?
Then I watch the news and see what is happening and I realized, they are just followers, they don’t want their own voice, I have never followed anyone or anything, I will not start now, I am still here because I am different from the masses, I write my own story and I make my own path and place in this world. I am not a leader, for I find the strength in my friends and help them to understand and use it for themselves, I don’t care about the wining, I get more enjoyment from the smiles of someone realizing they won on their own merits. A motivation councilor, yes I will agree to that, a leader no, everything, and everyone has their own gifts and stories to share, each of us just needs to find that one thing that will burn and light the very passion that drives us to endure all things.
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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