The storm is still going strong outside, I wanted so much to just get out and let it wash over me, I need my soul and heart to be cleansed. This blog and the people I’ve met have been a lifeline that I never knew that I needed and a big help, thank you all for your encouragements and support.
I try to write at least once a day, I didn’t like who I was becoming as I kept everything bottled up inside me. Since this blog is unknown to my mom and cousins and even my sons, I am free to pour out my troubles without hurting them or receiving more hatred from them. I am who I am, I am strong in heart, will and mind, but I am weak in body and I am angry for allowing myself to get this out of shape.
Angry for hiding under the covers and trusting that my mom would take care of things for me. How could I have been so stupid to think that the same mother that turned a blind eye to what was happening to me under her roof, who was brave enough to run away, but left me behind to deal with her mess; the one I spent my entire inheritance to find, only to be told that she didn’t want me, what made me think she would have my back now. I keep forgiving her, yet time and time again she makes me feel unwanted, unloved and untrustworthy. She is so much like my father in the fact that she will start a fight, pushing my buttons any time I look forward to something just to take the enjoyment of my projects. Honestly, I don’t think she even knows that she’s doing it, but when I confront her she pulls out the guilt card and then I explode and quit talking to her all together.
I know that the best thing for me to do is leave and never look back, but to do that I would also have to say goodbye to my cousins and my sons, for I have hidden my past from them because they adore her and it would hurt everyone but only hurt me if I stay quiet. She was married to my father for 25 years before she left him, but now that he’s gone she treats him and my brother like saints. They are both buried in the family plot in Arkansas and mom will be right between them. I will not be allowed in the plot, not that I want to be, I asked my mom for her to give me the California crypt she and my dad bought when they married but never used, she said yes, but when I found it and read it was left to my brothers children not me. This is what she does, the last time my daughter in law was here, she took her in the bedroom and told her the combination of the family safe telling her that it will all be hers when she died. I don’t even know the combination, and it’s my great, great, great aunts diamonds in there by blood, where my mom was only related by marriage. I am nonexistent, except when it benefits her.
I want with all my heart to be mean and tell her off, I want to scream from the mountain tops, that she is not the miss goody two shoes and devoted Christian everyone believes her to be. But I will not lower myself to her level, a moment of truth to disappoint so many that worship at her feet. Not one of my family would believe me anyway, the girl who was dead but came back to life, my father’s lies about me will live on for all generations to come, I will never fit into this family.
Sadly, I can’t give up hope that my son’s will one day wake up from the fog of lies and realize that they have a mother (me) who loves them and stayed alive so they could be born and live and have a wonderful life with me around to spoil my grandchildren one day. This hope is why I push, putting up with the rest and set new goals to get healthy and better. It is hard being forgotten and ignored as if you just don’t exist, but the way I see it is that I will give each of them the chance to want me just until I am healthy enough to make my own way in the world again. I believe that is a fair amount of time, and I will leave here, and I will not look back and I will not feel guilty about it. I know that I can be alone out there, because they have taught me how to be alone right here among them.
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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