Yesterday I took a mental day off, I just needed to shut down and run on auto pilot, I made easy meals and that was it, fend for yourself I’m not here the rest of the day.
Today, I was woken up by the cat bullying the dogs at 4 am just because he could. I got up, found that I needed to grind fresh coffee, so I did, waking up my mom, oh well, misery loves company.
It’s a overcast day, so I got brave and grabbed my garden gloves and started to head out back to pull the flowers before the bees came out.
I almost made it!
Then I heard my mom yelling, thinking she fell again, I put my gloves away and shuffled to that end of the house. I almost laughed, she was on the toilet doing a real stinker, (who ever built the house didn’t put in ventilation) anyways, there she was, and the cat (same bully) didn’t like the smell so he had carried her pants to his litter box and was covering them up. I guess he told her!
The bees were out by the time I got back, the sun had burned through the clouds. Bummer, because the neighbor will take the cans out to the street today.
But I tried, and had every intention so that should count for something.
My mom has to go to the doctors today to get her dressing changed, but before that she needs to take me to my doctors office to pick up the new patients package so I can fill them out under my lighted magnification lamp. She will play around with her computer, saying she needs to wake up until my doctors office is closed for lunch. Story of my life!
On a good note, my daughter in law posted pictures of my grandson on Facebook and even thanked me for the gifts I had sent, for one whole second my heart soared, but just as quickly, it came crashing back down and the panic attack started all over again. I thought about what my friend here said, so I took a deep breath and repeated to myself, my health first, then I can deal with the rest later. Slowly my heart beat normal again.
One more day and my vitamins should arrive, so by the time this heat wave ends they will be back in my system and unless there is lightning, I will get those flowers out of my path to the gazebo, rain or shine, so I can get back to working on my pool project. Being deathly allergic to bees is a big fear factor, I have my epi-pen, but would have to call 911 if I use it, because like with medicine my throat swells and I can’t breath. I learned the hard way with medicine, that if there is a swelling side effect, I am literally going to be that #1 from 1 million to be effected and die. The last time it took them 6 and a half days to get me to breathe on my own again, you better believe the thought of a next time scares me.
Reading other blogs, I come across so many about death or dieing; I have been there, three times I have taken my life and three times I was brought back after having flatlined, I got the message and quit trying to take my own life. However, I found myself taking on more and more dangerous jobs. I promised that I would never try to take my own life again, but not that someone wouldn’t try to end mine in the line of duty. Hence, the price I am paying for now, tenfold, in pain.
The saying, be careful what you wish for, well, take it to heart, because wishing for death could get you a painful life nearly dead but always lingering just barely alive. I know, I’m here forever trying to find a way out.
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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