Don’t be Loved for what you are Not, Be Yourself!

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(Continued #3)

There was just something different that Sunday I hid his belts, he went ahead with the spanking, mom staying in the kitchen cooking the Sunday meal and would not come to help no matter how much I screamed.  She never came, and after dinner she would only say that if I was a better child, like my brother,  I wouldn’t make daddy so mad.

As every Sunday after church, we no sooner got in the house and my dad grabbed my ponytail and pulled me into the master bedroom.  My brother just smiled at me and shut his bedroom door, mom went straight to the kitchen to make dinner, I had no one to help me, even the pastor didn’t believe me and went straight to my dad with my story. I stood before my father in my Sunday dress that my mom had made and stared down at my pretty patton leather Mary Jane shoes.

My dad was ranting on about how dare I tell such stories to the pastor or anyone, it was all in my head, I was just a little liar trying to ruin his reputation. (I didn’t know what those words ment yet, oh but one day I would and they would be like a gun in my hands.) During this rant is when he remembered he didn’t have a belt, before church he had blamed my mom about the belts, as he looked at me, he knew that I was the one and that at 4 years, I was just as stubborn as he was and would never give up my hiding place.

He threw me over his lap, pulling down my panties and spanked me with his bare hand. I bucked and kicked and screamed but he never stopped.  Somehow during the struggle I was flipped over and he continued on the front side of me.  His slaps soon became rubs, and not knowing what was happening to me my screaming became chocking sobs. I remember thinking that I had butterflies in my tummy and that I didn’t mind that feeling, it sure was better than the spanking.  But he stopped as quickly as he had begun, he stood me up in front of him, staring at me, his blue eyes brighter than I had ever seen them before.  It was like he saw me for the very first time, as if I just Poofed up in front of him.

My panties were down around my ankles, he told me to lift up my arms and when I did what I was told he pulled my dress up over my head, leaving just my slip on. He picked me up and laid me on the bed, he ran his hands all over me, stopping to whisper something about his red handprints, which he started kissing the stings away.  The butterflies were coming back in my tummy, I wondered if this was the loving kindness they always talked about in church? It sure was preferred to the spankings.

(Continued daily )

Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.

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10 thoughts on “Don’t be Loved for what you are Not, Be Yourself!

    1. Thank you so very much, I’ve already lived it, but for me to continue to take care of my mom at her last stage. I am finely just letting it go, it’s time for me to focus on my own personal health and life. I gave up trying to make her remember, with everyone gone she finally quit throwing their praises into my face.

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    1. Thanks Tessa, since my brother passed in 2004 my mom has gone down hill fast, since this is her place her rules out of respect. But she is building those two into something that they were not and that hurts, so when I hear her on the phone praising them, I write in my blog. brother would have been 56 on the 12th. So I just let her grieve her way while I celebrate my way!

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