Being a Grandma has been very disappointing to me. I have had to harden my heart to stop the pain of just thinking of my kids and being shut off.
I keep reading the quote I chose for this blog today, I feel sorry for my grandson who will never know just how much I love him, or how excited I was for his arrival.
I am disappointed in my son and his wife for being so selfish with my first grandchild. My heart is broken and just writing this is grinding those broken pieces into dust. I don’t know if l will ever forgive them for blocking me from loving and knowing my grandson.
Let me explain:
I loved my sons enough to let them go live with their grandmother when I was hospitalized after my second husband tried to kill me and sell my boys. (8 years it took me to walk again when I was told I never would) I learned that the boys were told that I died, I never worked so hard to get to the point of returning to their lives. My rich family fought me at every turn, I couldn’t fight against their money and gave up as far as the court was concerned.
While I was healing (broken neck, back, legs, ribs, nose and face shattered, and so much more) I applied for a scholarship and received it allowing me to take 29.5 units in one semester as long as they could evaluate me at every step, of course I said yes, I had no other plans. I graduated with another 4 cash scholarships to help me start my new life and job.
In 1998 my father died and gave everything to a woman and her two daughters, with the family money gone I was able to go to court and get my boys back. My oldest son wanted nothing to do with me he had been around my father and believed the lies he was told. My youngest son (father of my grandson ) was rebellious like me had been cast off and got into drugs and gangs and was in juvenile detention. I went to see him; I found a very angry and love starved young man, I understood that, but I also saw that fighting spark that burns to survive, so I made some phone calls. The government owed me some favors for my undercover work over the years.
I loved my sons so much that after talking to my oldest one last time I gave up everything and became someone new.
Due to the gang my youngest son was involved with dieing was the only way out, so with my connections that was arranged, my son was drugged and hidden in a air conditioned compartment, our names were changed and I drove a cross country to our new life off the grid. The old life was forgotten, again I had lost my oldest son but this time on his terms and without lies between us. (the rest of this 10 years is my youngest son’s story to tell, but I can say that he cleaned up and graduated with honors from high school)
I came back to the states after my sons turned 18 and moved away. I went back to my maiden name being the only bloodline of my family left, since my mom married into the name and doesn’t really count. I was able to make contact with my oldest again and we have started to become friends and talk online. I see him maybe every two years in person since neither of us can drive.
About three years ago my youngest son asked me if I would allow him to have my old engagement ring to give to his girlfriend of two years. I was invited to the wedding and treated like trash from her family but I was able to spend the whole day with my oldest son so it was a great day.
I was informed in February of this year that I was to become a Grandma but I couldn’t tell anyone, I was also informed that they were moving in with her mother up north so she could help with the baby since she already has 3 other grandchildren near her. That was the last time I saw either son.
During the next 9 months I sent them baby supplies each paycheck. Living on social security only, I bought less food and quit smoking to afford the stuff needed on their list. I was even able to get them something for first mothers day and father’s day (that should have been my first red flag, when neither of them said thank you for anything) I was so excited about the grandson I hardly noticed. I started hand sewing a quilt, and I started swimming at the gym and I even started making plans with my oldest son of a train trip up north. I had a reason to fight harder to get better and meet and hold my grandson.
I got a text in June with pictures of my grandson, I was told once again not to say anything. I saved the pictures to my album, not knowing that it posted to my son when I tagged him, he called and said to delete the pictures and he and his wife would have complete control and I was never to talk to anyone about their son without their permission first.
I was devastated, my world exploded into a million pieces, I had already started my own pool project and this blog by then and if it wasn’t for Jayne of only I know the real me, I think I would have gone over the edge that night. Together we made new goals and one lifelong bond between us.
I thought being a grandmother was all about the bragging rights? You raise your children as best that you can and hope that they survive to find love and start a family so you can love and spoil the grandchildren. I thought that my life was over when I lost my daughter at eight months pregnant but I think that knowing someone you love with every ounce of your being and being told that you will not be a part of their lives is harder because there is no closure, just a emptiness, a pain of something reaching inside of you, ripping out your heart while it’s still beating. I hear or see anything about a baby and the pain takes my breath away, my eyes sting and burn and well up but will not shed a tear. Every once of me wants to crawl into a ball and just give up, my childhood memories of my grandparents refusing to love and me now waiting to love so very much yet being told it’s not wanted except for holidays where gifts will be excepted but not appreciated or acknowledged.
What, where, how, when did everything go wrong?
With my sons out of my life the only family I have is a mother who wishes that I would have died instead of my brother. I keep wondering what I keep fighting for? I have no friends, I had to leave them behind in another life, I have made a few friends in this blog universe but no one close enough to get to meet in person. With yesterday being my sons two year wedding anniversary and my grandsons two months celebration, I had to work extra hard yesterday just to push past the pain. Really great timing Souldiergirl for re-blogging my post and causing a flood of caring people who responded with the kindest words that I have ever heard or received in my whole life. I needed them, you and you were there as always to pick up the pieces. Our souls do really talk to each other, Thank you with all my heart sister.
With my mother refined to her bed until her nurse arrives, the living room where I live is somewhat private enough for tears to actually fall if they so choose to, but I need to find a sad movie to get them started. I need a good cry to release the pressure on my heart, I feel as if I am choking and once again it’s over 100 degrees outside so I cannot use my anger towards my projects. I can’t even do the dishes because the heat in the kitchen from the windows is unbearable until after dark.
I know some of you think that I should put my foot down and talk to my sons but I believe that at 29 and 31 it’s their lives and their choice and it’s their loss, because I will always continue to love them. When they pull this crap how I handle it is should a major event (birthday, holiday) fall during the non-talking time, I buy a gift in their name and donate it to someone who needs it, I get a smile and a thank you and I just tell the boys that it must be lost in the mail.
I love them enough to let them make mistakes over and over again but I don’t play games.
Enough! Hallmark movie time, I feel better just from writing this. I hope none of you will ever feel like this Ever!
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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