Am I awake or asleep?
Am I standing up or sitting down?
Am I going forward or backwards?
Did I miss my insulin? Forget to eat?
Did I push myself enough or too much?
Who am I again?
What are my thoughts, my hopes and my dreams?
I have been plunged into darkness, a waiting game of no return. I have become a series of access numbers and codes, no longer a human being with a name and personality. I am honestly running on empty, fighting for people around me to see beyond their wall of hardened emotions, and understand that my mom and I are fighting for life, that they only have to have faith and believe and OPEN THEIR F@#ING EYES!
They wanted a miracle and mom is one, 3 times doctors have given up on her, telling me that it’s time for me to let her go. WTF! She is not on life support, she is breathing on her own!
Am I missing something?
I refuse to put a pillow over her face and told that stupid doctor that unless he is willing to, he had better get on board with me and do what we can to help keep her body in shape so when she is ready she can still use it. Stupid heartless hospital staff! I believe that I have reached my boiling point!
With the temperature back into the triple digits, I sit down on the stoop late at night and just look up at the stars, all my decisions, fears, pains and my goals and dreams forgotten for the moment. I just become one with the night noises, smells of orange blossoms and jasmine mixing together, I am literally a very small problem in this universe, yet in the morning those problems will return to become monsters to steal what little strength I have left inside of me.
I will not allow self pity to overcome me.
I will continue to reach my goals.
I have swallowed my pride and asked for prayer and support and even help, my cousin will fly out from Ohio on the 21st. My childhood nemesis of all people, has offered to come down from my old neighborhood (our mothers were best friends back in the day of group card games) If I were Laura Ingalls she would be Nellie Olsen, her daughter will drop her off this Saturday for a week, Dear God’s Please let us survive being alone together!
She will be my eyes to sort through mounds of paperwork to find my birth certificate and medical cards and hopefully mom’s social security number or I’m screwed. I paid the rent because I called the owners but somewhere in the mess is other bills that have to be paid like electric, water and such.
I am still Under 400 pounds, I am still working on the pool project, and cleaning up as I go.
Thanks again for just being there for everyone of you are my world right now.
Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.
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