Yes, I am Afraid, But Not Enough to Quit!

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When I first heard that I was going to be a Grandma, I woke myself up from a 3 year depression sleep. I took that first step to get back into shape. I had a reason to push myself to be around for this new generation. I worked really hard, swimming 3 days a week and eating healthy, lost 70 pounds.  When the baby was born, my son and his wife decided that I was not good enough to share his life and they shut me off. I was heartbroken, but my friends here kept me going, giving me support to go on with my goals even without my grandson. Then my mom got sick and I had to give up my swimming time, and then my vegetables being delivered, then mom had her stroke and I found myself alone without any one willing to come and help. I was surprised that both my sons found a way to get to the hospital to see my mom, then they left not even calling to check on her. I am honestly ashamed of my sons and their actions. I didn’t raise them to be like that and it hurts.

I forced myself to overcome everything I have ever been afraid of this year, I have cried more this year than I have through out my entire lifetime. I had to push myself past my limits of my comfort zone and beyond the amount of pain anyone should ever experience.  Knowing that I have no one to help me physically, my cousins will help mom but I am still very much invisible to all of them. I really found out that I have no true friends, so I cleaned up my Facebook to just people who want updates on mom. I am honestly on my own, but I am not sad because I have this blog and the people that I have been given in my opinion, closer to than anyone I have met in person.  Without my friends here, I would not be here today, I am literally humbled by your compassion, supportive community, I know that I want to continue to pass on the same to others I am lucky enough to make friends with as time goes by.

I now want to continue my goals, not to empress anyone but myself, I am worth knowing, I am worth loving, I am a surviver and I have a lot to offer. I have always loved and never once asked to be loved in return by you, for I still believe that someone out there will find a way to my heart and will love me for who I am and not ask me to change. I will fight my fears of this world to become the best possible person I know that I can be.

I got into the pool yesterday and started working out, one more step forward.

Always Smile, Never let them see your fear!
Don’t give anyone power over you, only you can take charge of your life.

Posted from WordPress for Android

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