I Choose… To Be Me! (Flaws and All.)

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I find myself speechless, and find writing very hard, my mind is a blank, one day turns into the next. My life has become a series of sameness, routines, and just making it through one day, week, month and very soon a full year will have passed.

I can’t believe that my grandson will be a year old in a few weeks, I was so excited to know I was becoming a grandma.  Unfortunately, nothing has changed with my daughter in law and I am still not a part of his life. I feel it’s my grandsons loss more than mine, I just keep trying, since mom will never recover enough to drive again I shipped my car to the kids to replace the old vehicle they were driving, not even a thank you, in fact, they didn’t even let me know it arrived safely. I was very hurt.

Mom is still alive, I put her on hospice since her insurance company kept giving me the run around and denied all treatment.  Again, I can’t believe that it is nearly been a year since she had her stroke, I have taken care of her non stop with the exception of 2 hours each week that hospice sends a volunteer to watch mom for me. I normally just take a cab to the grocery store, two hours is not long enough to even get to the doctor office, restaurant, or a movie. So, I use the store as my adventure out each week. I was able to have my blood work done so I can see my doctor for my diabetes check up, and that was not easy by any means. I totally stressed, but I made it back within my two hour limit.

But my panic attacks have been less and less until recently when my volunteer and mom’s nursing staff have been switching around to cover vacations. I find myself once again running around bumping into things that the new staff moved around forgetting that I am mostly blind. Once again I am covered in bruises, my ankle is swollen and I find myself fighting against depression.  To be honest, I am just tired, tired of reminding myself that I can fight this and I am strong enough to push past this.

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