I know what I’m worth 

As time goes on I am noticing more and more that I am no longer holding on to things from my past.  Things that I once cherished and I held dear to my heart, I just don’t care if I let them go anymore. I have lived with hatred my whole life, not once have I felt like I belonged, I am almost 53 and never been loved. I look at old pictures of myself and realized that I wasted what beauty I once had, I look in the mirror and see the damage a hard life has done to my looks. I know that I am dieing, we all die, that’s a given and I am not afraid that my days are numbered. I am type 2 diabetic and was taking 2 different insulin  (long lasting and a quick release) Since taking care of mom full-time, and being legally blind, getting back to a doctor is not a easy task. My insurance company kept giving me the run around and I have been without my long lasting insulin for over a month now. My bank denied my debit card purchases at the grocery store less than a mile from my house, because I don’t use it in person enough so the bank security system thinks that my card is stolen and I cannot use it. For a normal person this would be a inconvenience, but for someone with panic attacks, anxiety and PTSD, being stranded with a denied card surrounded by strangers, during the holidays is the making of a very bad situation. I tried explaining to the bank that I now only get two hours a month to leave the house. That I have to take a taxi since I cannot see to drive and trying to grocery shop, see a doctor and catch a cab home within my two hour limit is stressful enough but to have the card transactions denied making my limited time only more limited is just wrong! Twice they have done this and I told them that the 3rd time I switch banks not a good way to treat a customer of 2 5 years. He apologized and said he hopes I have a happy thanksgiving, I said thanks but you denied my food purchase so we will not be able to have a thanksgiving this year. He said that the problem was taken care of so I could use my card now, I reminded him that I don’t get a second chance, my two hours is up until next month. 

So, life goes on, good or bad, beautiful or ugly, young or old the only thing that will stay true is that we are born, we live and we die, nothing in between really matters. 

I found out that I didn’t really have any true friends when things got tough, they got Gone!
I have one Internet friend that lives on the other side of the world, we are a quarter century apart in age, she is beautiful where I am ugly, yet, we are so alike and have never missed a day sending emails and we try to Skype often. in fact my parrot is in love with her and spends most of our Skype time getting her attention. I believe her friendship is my reason for waking up each day at times. My energy is gone, lifting my mom has taken its toll on me. I need something to look forward to again.


3 thoughts on “I know what I’m worth 

  1. i totally get what you are talking about getting your card denied…that has happened to me twice too, and it is so scary and frustrating while you are standing there feeling humiliated and embarrassed its hard not to get a full blown panic attack! And people just don’t get how limiting not being able to drive is, especially when you only have a little bit of time. So sorry all that happened, but glad you are not holding onto things you don’t need to anymore. it frees us up for living differently, maybe even better 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks Kat feeling better knowing that I am not being singled out. Starting to feel cursed, being loyal to your last living relative making sure that their last days are happy and comfortable doesn’t leave time for personal time. I would never wish her away, so I trudge on each day, my hardest thing is not dwelling on the knowledge that once she is gone I will have no one around to look after me when it’s my time. I get so angry for those selfish thoughts. I don’t know what to do.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. those are not selfish thoughts. those are realistic concerns about your future. do not feel guilty for worrying and planning for it. you have to plan for it and think about it. and find out what resources are available for you when the time comes and how they can help you.

        Liked by 1 person

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