End of the Year, End of my Rope!

Sorry I haven’t had the opportunity or time to write, Hospice has once again let my mother fall through the cracks, telling me she’s not deteriorating fast enough, having her go weeks at a time without a bath because her case nurse didn’t turn in her paperwork. Finally sending a bath person who used nearly a whole bottle of soap and dumped water on her in a all electric bed! All this when temperatures hit freezing and we had rain. What the hell is wrong with people?

It took nearly 3 days to get mom dry and warm, then she slept so solid that I had to make sure she was still breathing. I’m sorry but if you take a job working with people you should do your best for them or find another line of work. It’s not like my mom can just get up and move so I can clean up the mess, she has no use of her left side so I have to rock her from side to side, pushing and pulling trying to stuff things under her while trying to hold up her dead weight, hard enough for anyone but when you are nearly blind it’s nearly impossible! And she is now all broken out from all the soap left on her. Yes I went off to the manager. Today I trained yet another bath attendant so we start over. Being the end of the month, I can’t just order more supplies, I have to wait until we get paid on the 3rd.

I am all broken out from the stress and worrying about my mom, the daily breakdowns around the house; like the storms blowing out the pilot light again, ants coming in from under the house, neighbors cutting branches off my fruit trees to make it easier to get to the fruit. I know that most mean well but you would go ballistic should someone come to your house and start cutting at your trees without asking.

Then the main stress of all, what am I going to do once mom is gone?

This is a rental house in mom’s name and I no longer have a car, I have no where to go, no family, medical for mom has depleted our savings and that medical supply company cleared out our checking accounts, and I never got caught up enough to start saving again. I get so depressed thinking about it that I get angry for being depressed and find that I just sleep in between mom’s changing and feeding.

I watch this whole thing between Debbie Reynolds and Carrie Fisher and then start thinking maybe that is the best way. I choke when I panic because it’s just to hard to breathe, what am I supposed to do? Going to bed to think about it for now.

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